There are not many things over which I am high-maintenance diva. I’ll walk the dog in the rain, I’ll brush his teeth and get slobber all over me no matter what I am wearing, I’ll happily pick up his poop and comb the fur around his butt to make sure no remnants are stuck there. I will eat street meat at the $4.00 hallal truck and I’ll begrudgingly clean up your vomit if you’re staying over on my couch and heave all over the bathroom, proudly doing so in clogs I bought three years ago from K-Mart.

Yet every lady has her limits, and I must draw the line somewhere. Ergo, I do declare:

I refuse, refuse, REFUSE to drive across the country in a crappy ass u-haul truck!!

I WON’T DO IT, I can’t do it, I shant do it. Never. Nein. Nunca. Nada.

*shudder* The very thought that Earl has proposed this and also priced it out makes me wretch.

Do you KNOW how crappy U-haul trucks are?!? DO YOU?????? Do you know that I have personally seen not one but TWO of these shitmobiles on the side of the road ON FIRE???!!??!?! One which was completely burned out and still smoking as if it had EXPLODED out of nowhere with no warning! And the shell-shocked passengers were about 100 feet down the highway with dazed expressions on their faces. And then a few months later I saw ANOTHER one on fire!

Come hell or high water, I am never driving anywhere, let alone across the Continental freaking Divide, in one of those bloody deathtraps.

I will drive across the country in my war-battered old Jeep Grand Cherokee towing a trailer, I will ride my Orbea, I will backpack it and walk, I will hitchhike from smelly old truckers, I will stow away on a train and fend off railroad bums, I will learn how to unicycle or do it on rollerskates…. but over my dead body will you get me in one of those stinking trucks.

Please consider that option formerly off the table. Many Regards.